Coffee Plus…Horror Movies
Happy Friday the 13th!
Today I’m going to take a little diversion from coffee news and recipes to discuss horror movies and how they could have benefited from a little coffee. And yes- this article is totally satirical, so to the movie buffs out there, please don’t get offended, I’m just kidding 🙂
–A Nightmare on Elm Street- (2010) A reboot of the 1984 original, centers around a group of high schoolers who are being murdered in their dreams by Freddy Krueger, a creepy child molester from their past. The solution? Don’t fall asleep, duh.
How coffee could improve this film: They use various methods to stay awake…stealing syringes of adrenaline, energy drinks, etc. I believe that if they just stuck to a routine of drinking ‘double shots’ every few hours they could have remedied the situation all together. I mean, c’mon, with 7 shots of espresso and a little cream and sugar routine, who would fall asleep…ever again? Micronaps? Psshh, not a problem with that much caffeine flowing through your body. If you ask me:
Death by coffee overdose > Death by creepy child molester
It’s science people, I learned in on Spike TV…so it has to be true, right?
–Paranormal Activity-(2007) Bad/creepy/scary stuff tends to happen mostly at night…when are sleeping… and vulnerable. In Paranormal Activity we have a nice young couple being haunted by the female leads childhood demons. This demon feeds on negative energy and hau…..
How coffee could improve this film: Okay, I’m going to stop right there with my plot description because I already see a solution. Coffee. Yep, according to my sources (and really who needs legitimate sources????) coffee can boost your mood. From the lovely aroma of fresh coffee brewing in the kitchen to its warmth the between your hands while you sip from your favorite mug, there is lots of mood boosting going around. Caffeine is a chemical that induces feelings of happiness and jubilation. There it is, your math lesson for today: Mo (or whoever the protagonist is) + Coffee = Happy –> Therefore no negative energy and no demons. Done.
-Jaws- (1975) I took to the message boards in deep cyberspace to bring you this Horror Redux. What do you do when a crazy angry Great White Shark is stalking people in your little beachside town? Go out with the local sheriff in a boat and hunt it while it hunts you? Nooooo silly…
How coffee could improve this film: Coffee. A large dose of high-octane coffee to the shark would surely kill it and thus eliminate a nasty little problem preventing many innocent beach-goers from getting their summer tan. Proof you ask?
“Scientific Research proves the detriment and poisonous effects of caffeine on creatures without the kidney strength to dilute and process this toxin.” AKA Marine life. There is also this “Caffeine in large doses is poisonous and may lead to sterility in fish” (read: No more psychotic sharks in Amity, sorry guys…No sequels). I also believe that if the crew of the Orca had consumed more coffee, they would have come up with this brilliant solution on their own.
Now to spice up your evening! I talked to the man behind the popular Movies, Films and Flix blog (and the best boyfriend ever) to get a list of five ‘scary-fun-but you won’t be bummed after watching’ movies for you to watch. Call a friend or grab a pet, brew a hot cup of coffee (maybe with a shot or two of Irish Cream, Peppermint schnapps, Cinnamon schnapps or whatever you prefer) and enjoy these Friday Night Frights!
- Drag Me To Hell– Funny, scary, amazing.
- Insidious Creepy, well done, well acted, new twist on horror movies.
- Scream- Classic.
- The Descent– Creepy, really creepy, great actresses, lots of ‘jump out of your seat’ fun!
- The Orphanage Creepy, good, watch it tonight.